Stupid Feelings

Falling in love isn’t an experience I wanted. I didn’t ask for it, and I didn’t seek it out. In fact, I have been particularly diligent in protecting myself from such foolish feelings. Why should I want to seek after something that seems so conditional? If I want your love I have to let you use me for your toy? Sorry, that doesn’t fly with me. I’m a daughter of God, not an object to be toyed with.

So how did this happen?

How did I fall for a man I met briefly, once, and knew little of?

I thought I had gotten rid of these feelings. I hadn’t seen him for months after all. And then I felt him walk past me when I came back to school. I had to turn my head to be sure that I was right. How did all of those feelings swarm back into my heart when I thought I’d closed them off like a gate to hell?

It was as if the stone wall, backed up by a retaining wall, and then backed up again by a gate of steel and iron bars, topped off with guns of glory (meant to protect my heart) was ripped apart by one blow—a surprised look, a quiet smile, and sparkling eyes. Where was the crack in my defenses that let you in?

He doesn’t know. Why should I make myself vulnerable when he was due to leave in weeks? I’m sure I’m not what he’s looking for any way. He left this morning. I knew it was coming. I cried before he’d even gone. He’ll never know too. I pretended everything was alright that very night when we fought with small glow sticks for light sabers. He cut off my hands, and did the worm in his camo sleeping bag. He gets cranky when he’s tired.

It’s probably not healthy, but I have access to his music—a lot of it. I’ve been listening to it all day. Sad isn’t it. But it keeps him close, even if he doesn’t want to be, even if he will never know he’s the first, and only guy I’ve ever fallen for.

I asked a friend to bring him back. It was in jest, but a true desire of my heart. The thing is that this particular friend would have done it. He would have kidnapped the man that un-wittingly held my heart, and brought him back to me. But my need for his happiness, exceeds my need to be held by him.

So goodbye, take care of yourself. If I could give you what you wanted, I'd kneel at your feet and give it to you. Even if it was someone that isn't me.