Life Sucks Less On Stage

This last week was an adventure—to say the least. It began with the ride down to

Logan, Utah. My roommate Rachel drove my friend Phill (from Deep Love), her friend, and me. On the way down I was getting car sick so I decided to buy myself a coca cola zero (absolutely not diet) so the caffeine could help. I now have a soda-vice. It was good stuff, and I know better than to drink it too often. Any way. It made me have to pee really bad. This happened around 10/11 o’clock’ish when everything was closing. We got to a Sinclair on the dot, they were already locked up. Phill tried to help me get in to use the restroom, but the jerks wouldn't open up. I would have peed on the building if I were Jon. But that sort of thing is both awkward and difficult for a girl to pull off. It was lucky that the next Sinclair let me in. But until then, Phill was poking horrible fun at me. I’ve decided that me and sodas don’t mix during a road trip. It’s a camping relationship thing only. Not to mention it kept me lying in bed awake forever that night.

The week was great fun. I spent Thanksgiving with Kayls. We slept in late, swapped manly stories—and ate chocolate cream pie in the morning. We also made a lovely spaghetti dinner, and had sparkling cider.

We watched some Lord of the Rings, and we played Michael Jackson Dancing—something (one of my new favorite games). We also saw The Three Musketeers with Michelle. It was nice to see Bloom on the big screen again, but I couldn’t take him seriously as a “bad guy”. And the movie itself wasn’t as good as I hoped it to be. Movie makers are continuing to disappoint me. The story is getting lost in the special effects. As a die-hard film lover, this causes me great distress.

On Saturday Phill and Trina came for me. It was divine to see them again. I almost felt like I was complete in the Deep Love family again. We drove around for a time, trying to figure out what to do. Phill suggested we go to DI and find some ridiculous things to try on and take pictures. So we did.

We got some free bread at the Harvest. Phill decided he was still hungry after one slice, so he put on Trina’s coat and my glasses, flattened his hair, and then walked around and got another piece. He said the girl could tell it was him.

We went back to Trina’s parent’s house. And there we sang Deep Love till our voices were sore, and recorded a couple of songs. Phill and I plan to do one more sometime perhaps this weekend. We wrote a song too. That was epic fun.

I helped write lyrics and I came up with the harmonies.

By the end of Sunday Rachel came for us. We departed and it was sad. I was not happy to be in Rexburg again. That’s been a first. I’ve always been excited to be back. This semester’s not been so great—or perhaps it’s only not so great because the beginning was so amazing, and now it feels empty with everyone from D.L. gone.

Everyone’s frustrated with my not saying anything to cane-ker sore. Yeah. He’s got a nickname now. Have I mentioned his name? I don’t think so? Time to check previous posts. Any way. Phill’s upset because he sees what I’m doing, and knows he does it too, and knows it doesn’t make you happy. People want me to be happy, and I’m grateful to them for that. I don’t know what’s holding me back besides reason. Perhaps I’m only a hopeless romantic when it comes to story-books and other people’s lives. When it comes to mine, my head rules, and my heart only causes pain and distress.

Three more weeks until this semester is at an end. I’m really looking forward to it. I need to memorize my songs better, kick butt at juries, and move on with my life. It’s back to the theatre I go. That is where I’m happy. Life sucks less on the stage.

Oh yeah. And I just bought the LOTR’s extended edition blue ray box set for ½ off ($50) and I don’t even have a blue ray player.

Mom, dad, guess what I’m doing when I come back in December.

DEEP LOVE

To understand the beginning of my Fall (11) semester you need to listen to this. I was in the choir as the “loud soprano” (except I'm not very loud on the recording lol I was afraid of overpowering the others, which had been an issue before--lesson learned), and Florence’s scream. I got to spend every evening with these amazing artists, and I don’t regret a bit of my time with them. It might have affected my studies a bit, but it was totally worth it. I hope that I get to work with these guys for the rest of forever. I’d be happy being a part of their work for all of my life.

Thanks for giving me a family again guys. Without ya’ll I’m an orphan, but someday we’ll be together again. Right?

FINALE VIDEO
VIDEO: THE REPRISE

How Do You Know?

Today in sacrament, I asked the Lord “how do you know?” and then I laughed.

But then—I began to wonder—how does He know? I know that He knows, but I’m curious. What link or spirit, or power allows or grants that kind of foresight?

God has all power, but where does it come from? How are we all linked in such a way that He feels or knows when a sparrow has fallen? I can’t help but wonder because I hope to one day have this same power if I live my life in such a way to be worthy. It is something to think about, to be curious of, but not to lose any sleep or my testimony over. I know the gospel is true. I know that the Lord loves and guides me. I may make mistakes, but I can fix them and come home to Him and become like Him.

It makes me excited to die (not that I’d pursue that) because all these questions I am so curious about will be answered then. Eternity intrigues me, but to be prepared for it I must endure this life and create a Zion in myself. I’m excited for life, for it to end, and to see my Heavenly Father and Savior again—and thank them for everything—the atonement, the guidance, and for not answering my questions plainly or immediately. I have learned and grown, and will continue to do so so that I can be worthy of Godhood, and someday be a good Heavenly Being for the spirit children I will one day have the responsibility of loving and caring for.

A New Life

We’re out of cake. How could I be out of cake?! We just made it yesterday!

I bet Phil came over and ate it.

I’m having some Deep Love withdrawals—again.

I miss them. I miss him. But I get to see one of them next week during the Thanksgiving break. Thank goodness friends are near and Utah isn’t so far. I get to see Kayls too. Her family is being kind enough to let me join them for the holiday. Getting to Oregon would be a nightmare. This’ll be my first Thanksgiving away from home, and honestly, I don’t mind so much. I love the lot of em, and I miss my dog…but…meh. I always end up cleaning (deep cleaning) the whole of the house the day after I come home. I’m not looking forward to that for when I go back for Christmas. I couldn’t handle it then if I did it only a month before. I shouldn’t be a Cinderella when I go home. I’m not the weak orphan that needs a fairy with a bubble for a brain to fix my problems.

Life has taught me that a girl has to save herself. There is no prince, there is no fairy. There is only me and the Lord, and he’s gonna help me, but he aint going to spoon feed me the answers no matter how much I wish he would.


(An excerpt from my version of my least favorite fairytale)

In my world—this land of fairytale—things are not as the story books tell. Those were the original girls, and they had it easier than most that followed them.

In the last ten years there have been fifty Rapunzels, a hundred Thumbelinas, and ninety-five Swan Princesses. Beauty and the Beast is the rarest of the stories to be lived. There are fewer girls with the kind heart the first Beauty possessed.

I know my fairytale and I dread it. Though fairytale lives are ample in our world, the happily ever after is not a chance all of us get.

I am a Cinderella, but my circumstances are drastically different. I have three stepsisters. Two granted are awful, but the third is not bad. Our kingdom has one prince and the chances I am his princess is slim. Why?

Because how they choose his bride is not traditional. Balls aren’t thrown for him. We may not have fairy god mothers, but we have magic, and the royal sorcerers use it to their advantage. The idea is they can locate whom the royalty in question will love the most and be loved by the most.

A nice idea, but I’m not interested in marrying a prince.


I’m not! For reals. I would rather have the poor farm boy who’ll sing me to sleep every night then some guy who’s trying too hard.

I’ve realized that the concepts of the gospel are true. I always knew they were true, but having had some new experiences, I feel them to be true. I know they are not only in my mind, but in my heart too. I didn’t know until I made this realization that my heart had a brain, or will power of its own. What it thinks and what my brains thinks don’t always coincide. I’ve never had that happen before. It’s not that either of them is wrong. It just makes some things hard.

I know there’s a reason I’m not married now. For one thing (though I swore I never would be) I’ve learned that I would be that girl who’d forget academics for a man, and I would do horrible in school. And I’d also be too concerned with my family. I’d never get anything academic done. How do I know this? Well partially because there was a baby in the piano lab tonight. I wanted nothing more than to steal that baby and run. I’ve never had such a strong desire to have a family. I’ve always wanted other things, things I considered to be bigger. But now the desire has been getting stronger and stronger, and it’s getting more difficult to ignore. I now know that I would put all of my other dreams on the back burner for a family, so long as it could be eternal, maybe not immediately, but soon.

My life…I’m ready for it to start.

Stupid Feelings

Falling in love isn’t an experience I wanted. I didn’t ask for it, and I didn’t seek it out. In fact, I have been particularly diligent in protecting myself from such foolish feelings. Why should I want to seek after something that seems so conditional? If I want your love I have to let you use me for your toy? Sorry, that doesn’t fly with me. I’m a daughter of God, not an object to be toyed with.

So how did this happen?

How did I fall for a man I met briefly, once, and knew little of?

I thought I had gotten rid of these feelings. I hadn’t seen him for months after all. And then I felt him walk past me when I came back to school. I had to turn my head to be sure that I was right. How did all of those feelings swarm back into my heart when I thought I’d closed them off like a gate to hell?

It was as if the stone wall, backed up by a retaining wall, and then backed up again by a gate of steel and iron bars, topped off with guns of glory (meant to protect my heart) was ripped apart by one blow—a surprised look, a quiet smile, and sparkling eyes. Where was the crack in my defenses that let you in?

He doesn’t know. Why should I make myself vulnerable when he was due to leave in weeks? I’m sure I’m not what he’s looking for any way. He left this morning. I knew it was coming. I cried before he’d even gone. He’ll never know too. I pretended everything was alright that very night when we fought with small glow sticks for light sabers. He cut off my hands, and did the worm in his camo sleeping bag. He gets cranky when he’s tired.

It’s probably not healthy, but I have access to his music—a lot of it. I’ve been listening to it all day. Sad isn’t it. But it keeps him close, even if he doesn’t want to be, even if he will never know he’s the first, and only guy I’ve ever fallen for.

I asked a friend to bring him back. It was in jest, but a true desire of my heart. The thing is that this particular friend would have done it. He would have kidnapped the man that un-wittingly held my heart, and brought him back to me. But my need for his happiness, exceeds my need to be held by him.

So goodbye, take care of yourself. If I could give you what you wanted, I'd kneel at your feet and give it to you. Even if it was someone that isn't me.

A Note On A Birthday

This is from a friend. I just wanted to put it somewhere I wouldn't lose it :)


I just i wanted to say Happy Birthday!! I know i said i was going to send you 35$ to get your nails done, but, I just have to say, that I am so broke, but! thats not going to stop me from sending you 35$ for feeling like a princess, the thing is, you just have to wait till my paycheck gets in.. and thats like in 3 weeks!! i know.. kinda stupid. I didnt get paid this week, and i would thought that i would be on the payrol esp when ive been working for a week!!! I feel awful for not sending it in time, and i hope that this sad news didnt really upset you!! I really wanted to send it to you, but i was also waiting on my paycheck to come!! AHH CRAZINESS!!

ANyways! lets change this sad news around, and make it happy!! Here how it goes!! I just wanted to say how grateful I am that you, and i are such great friends! Im sure I have annoyed you so many times in the past, and present, and maybe in the future.. :D haha. But, I just want you to know, that I will not regret the day when we first all met up! Sure, i was really shy at the begining, but i was able to open up, and get to know someone so wonderful! I told jen, and bekah.. this. and i havent told you yet, and i tried to, but your phone is busy, and i kinda got lazy to trying again. hehe. :D anyways. After we all talked on the phone on Sunday, and as i was laying in my bed thinking about you guys. I had such a wonderful confirmation saying.. these are my true friends!! these girls are the one that can help me walk on the straight path, and that they will always be there for me, whenever i need them, and if i need to smacked in the buttom. :) and that my patriarchal blessing was starting to make more sense. :) before i talked to you guys, I was struggling so hard in trying to be strong with what i know is true, and whether being a good girl is worth the shot, and what not. I have many friends who are doing drugs, and have been loosing their virtue. for so many weeks, I was jealous. I wanted to be just like them, and why cant i be bad just this once.. but everytime i tell myself just one sip, my testimony is saving me from not doing those things. I wanted to fit in so bad, and didnt want to be always the good girl. being a good girl is always hard, and having friends who does the opposite, makes it even harder. But then after that night, I told myself, you know, i can do it! I have friends who keep their standards, i have friends who loves to do the right thing, and that its not bad!! It just gave me a realization, that i didnt i have to be bad to fit in our circle. We have each other, and the testimony that we have creates our friendship something even more than expected. I just want to let you know that I love you so much, and Im just grateful for you, and your determination to choose the right, and through your example it had saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life. And i just wanted you to know that. And. Happy birthday!!! I wish every min to be there with you! But im truly grateful you get to go to the temple. Let me know how it goes. And no worries, the money is coming!!
i love you
vanessa

Food for the Skin

Sugar:
According to Dr. Patricia Wexler, exfoliating is one of the most important things we can do for the health of our skin. Best-selling author and makeup artist Carmindy reveals that plain old white sugar is one of the best exfoliators around. Keep a jar of it in your shower. Take a handful and gently massage your entire body with it, using a soft washcloth. Rinse and the sugar crystals simply melt away down the drain. So much better than eating it!

Olive Oil:
The ancient Romans knew what they were doing when they slathered olive oil on every part of their bodies, saving a little for their hair. Keep a plastic ketchup bottle (the kind you see in old diners) filled with olive oil in your bathroom. Add a few drops of lavender oil (or whatever fragrance you prefer). After exfoliating, pat your skin until it’s almost dry, then massage a small amount of oil all over your body. Result? Skin like velvet. After your hair is dry, massage a few drops of oil in your palms and, bending over, scrunch a bit of it into the ends.

Honey:
Who knew that honey is equally effective for treating colds and improving your looks? Applying honey all over your face is beneficial, since it contains vitamins and moisturizes. It's also a natural antibiotic that can kill bacteria. Add a little white sugar and exfoliate with it in the shower, too.

Lemon Juice:
There are so many things you can do with lemon juice (preferably freshly squeezed). Soak your nails in them (without polish) to reduce yellowing, and brush your teeth with a mixture of baking soda and lemon juice for whiter teeth. And best of all, take a tablespoon or two of freshly squeezed lemon juice and mix into a tall glass of warm water. Drink it before ingesting anything else, first thing in the morning. It’s a great way to hydrate and jump-start your system.

Crisco (or some other vegetable shortening):
Crisco is a surprisingly effective makeup remover, and it’s also highly effective in treating eczema. Apply the shortening to infected areas, and let it sit for 15 to 20 minutes. Rinse, and apply a little olive oil.

Yogurt:
Yogurt is a highly effective treatment for the common skin condition rosacea. It has the ability to soften the skin while calming the redness — especially after eating something spicy or enjoying a little too much heart-healthy red wine. Simply apply it as a mask, and leave on for about 15 minutes. Rinse, and apply a light layer of olive oil.

Parsley and Mint:
Bad breath is common, and usually avoidable. Steer clear of the store-bought mouth rinses and gargles, as they tend to make matters worse. Simply brush your tongue when you brush your teeth, drink lots of water to keep your mouth hydrated and chew on a few sprigs of parsley or mint, since studies have shown that these freshen breath instantly. Keep a plastic bag filled with the sprigs in your purse at all times.

Green Tea Bags:
Green tea is one of the best things you can drink (along with lots of water, and red wine in moderation). For a great de-puffing eye treatment, try soaking a few bags in water and sticking them in the freezer. Place on your eyes, lower the lights and ... relax.

Apple Cider Vinegar:
Exfoliating is one of the best things we can do for our skin. Chemical peels done at your dermatologist's office are highly effective, though often expensive. But a simple application of apple cider vinegar works, too. Soak a cotton ball in it and apply all over the face, keeping away from the eyes; leave on for at least 45 minutes. After you rinse, follow with a light application of olive oil.

Get rid of Acne

Hair & Skin