Leave now! And never come back!

I totally slept in and am now missing ward council. So I’ll write.

Trina came Friday to hang out and see Kieffer in his last comic frenzy show, which was good, but a little long. We had some awesome times after the show. We went to the College Ave Deli where I got a chili dog. I was starving. It was dang tasty, and I totally got it for free. They were flipping a coin. If you guessed heads/tails right you got your food for free.

After the deli we went to Alex’s house. We hung out in his room where interesting things happened. We now have some pretty fascinating inside jokes. Phill made uh—intense noises, and all our minds went there except for Phill’s. Kieffer couldn’t help but mention that was probably how it would sound on Phill’s wedding night, and then Phill will declare “that was fun, you should try it.” ‘Cause that’s what he said after he moan/yodeled while pounding on the strings of his guitar. And then we laughed at the fact I couldn’t make any sound while I laughed. Alex even said he was sad I couldn’t make noise while I laughed as I was silently laughing.

Good times.

Then Kieffer got all depressing and we started talking about relationships. He was saying pretty good stuff that was true, and was things I had told Trina concerning C.S. She gave me a look. And then it got really sad and Trina declared I needed a cuddle—and I really did—so Alex did me the favor for a brief minute before things got funny again.

It was late when we departed. 3 am in fact. Trina dropped us off and we dreamt away the rest of the dark morning hours. I woke up around 9 but stayed in bed. Trina text me a half hour later. She, Phill, Kieffer and I went to Broulim’s to get breakfast. Trina bought. We had a good morning just hanging out. Kaprina came a little while later with her friend Tawni. Phill left with them and then Trina dropped me and Kieffer off and we said farewell. She’s back in Utah now. I miss her :(

So. Life is interesting. I decided probably last week that I wasn’t going to have…intense feelings for C.S. any more. My head said that anyway. The heart is another matter. What sucks is that since then his face has been on either side of my facebook page every time I get on to fb. And it’s been strategically placed to be in my perfect line of vision. Um…thank you? For making this endeavor harder. It’s hard to forget someone who’s on your computer screen all the time. And yes, this is bad, but even when I’m not on fb, I’m on fb. I don’t have a social life because of homework, so I jump on the opportunity to interact with my friends in what little way I can while I do homework. Fb provides me that way. And no one wants to hang out in real life except Phill who’s now too busy wooing Kaprina.

Fat.

Go away C.S. it’s not like you talk to me. Why are you on my computer screen?

In other news. I’ve been doing a little bit of writing. I got two done for the Deep Love Kill List (Phill and I started killing the Deep Love cast on the way to Utah for Thanksgiving). I’ve also started writing a folk opera. Everyone else in the cast was. I had an idea, some songs, why not me too? I’ve also recruited two of my theatre department friends, and I’ll be getting some of my family in on it during the Christmas break. And I’ve been thinking about my descendants series. I’m really liking the conflict between Keenan and Hala…or their story. Bahaha.

“She was everything! That first day—when we met in the field. She was carrying a red veil. I asked her why she had it. She told me it would be a sign for her death. She said she would be sacrificed. It was the fate of the shepherd. I didn’t believe her. But that day when they took her. When I gave her to them…they had it. Before they pierced her fingers and tore her flesh, they wrapped it about her neck. I understood then. I fought to go to her. I fought to let them kill her. The struggle inside me. My heart against my mind. I wish my heart had won. But I thought that when they killed her, I would become mortal. I could follow her to the otherworld. Imagine my surprise that when I drove my sword through my chest I did not die. I did so many things that should have taken a man’s life. But I wasn’t a man. I was still what we are now. Gilideen lied to us. Killing them doesn’t bring us the life of man—it doesn’t bring mortality. It doesn’t give us our chance to be what we should have been before we died as babes. Before we were placed in these bodies neither stone nor flesh. Killing the woman I loved condemned me to a hell on earth—unable to die—not worthy to live. When she was reborn, a scientific feat that should have never happened! I swore to never let her die. She does not remember me. But I remember her. And if keeping her alive sentences me to a forever-life as a creature neither mortal nor immortal, then I will pay that price. Just so long as I never have to see that look in her eyes again.” -Keenan

Life Sucks Less On Stage

This last week was an adventure—to say the least. It began with the ride down to

Logan, Utah. My roommate Rachel drove my friend Phill (from Deep Love), her friend, and me. On the way down I was getting car sick so I decided to buy myself a coca cola zero (absolutely not diet) so the caffeine could help. I now have a soda-vice. It was good stuff, and I know better than to drink it too often. Any way. It made me have to pee really bad. This happened around 10/11 o’clock’ish when everything was closing. We got to a Sinclair on the dot, they were already locked up. Phill tried to help me get in to use the restroom, but the jerks wouldn't open up. I would have peed on the building if I were Jon. But that sort of thing is both awkward and difficult for a girl to pull off. It was lucky that the next Sinclair let me in. But until then, Phill was poking horrible fun at me. I’ve decided that me and sodas don’t mix during a road trip. It’s a camping relationship thing only. Not to mention it kept me lying in bed awake forever that night.

The week was great fun. I spent Thanksgiving with Kayls. We slept in late, swapped manly stories—and ate chocolate cream pie in the morning. We also made a lovely spaghetti dinner, and had sparkling cider.

We watched some Lord of the Rings, and we played Michael Jackson Dancing—something (one of my new favorite games). We also saw The Three Musketeers with Michelle. It was nice to see Bloom on the big screen again, but I couldn’t take him seriously as a “bad guy”. And the movie itself wasn’t as good as I hoped it to be. Movie makers are continuing to disappoint me. The story is getting lost in the special effects. As a die-hard film lover, this causes me great distress.

On Saturday Phill and Trina came for me. It was divine to see them again. I almost felt like I was complete in the Deep Love family again. We drove around for a time, trying to figure out what to do. Phill suggested we go to DI and find some ridiculous things to try on and take pictures. So we did.

We got some free bread at the Harvest. Phill decided he was still hungry after one slice, so he put on Trina’s coat and my glasses, flattened his hair, and then walked around and got another piece. He said the girl could tell it was him.

We went back to Trina’s parent’s house. And there we sang Deep Love till our voices were sore, and recorded a couple of songs. Phill and I plan to do one more sometime perhaps this weekend. We wrote a song too. That was epic fun.

I helped write lyrics and I came up with the harmonies.

By the end of Sunday Rachel came for us. We departed and it was sad. I was not happy to be in Rexburg again. That’s been a first. I’ve always been excited to be back. This semester’s not been so great—or perhaps it’s only not so great because the beginning was so amazing, and now it feels empty with everyone from D.L. gone.

Everyone’s frustrated with my not saying anything to cane-ker sore. Yeah. He’s got a nickname now. Have I mentioned his name? I don’t think so? Time to check previous posts. Any way. Phill’s upset because he sees what I’m doing, and knows he does it too, and knows it doesn’t make you happy. People want me to be happy, and I’m grateful to them for that. I don’t know what’s holding me back besides reason. Perhaps I’m only a hopeless romantic when it comes to story-books and other people’s lives. When it comes to mine, my head rules, and my heart only causes pain and distress.

Three more weeks until this semester is at an end. I’m really looking forward to it. I need to memorize my songs better, kick butt at juries, and move on with my life. It’s back to the theatre I go. That is where I’m happy. Life sucks less on the stage.

Oh yeah. And I just bought the LOTR’s extended edition blue ray box set for ½ off ($50) and I don’t even have a blue ray player.

Mom, dad, guess what I’m doing when I come back in December.

DEEP LOVE

To understand the beginning of my Fall (11) semester you need to listen to this. I was in the choir as the “loud soprano” (except I'm not very loud on the recording lol I was afraid of overpowering the others, which had been an issue before--lesson learned), and Florence’s scream. I got to spend every evening with these amazing artists, and I don’t regret a bit of my time with them. It might have affected my studies a bit, but it was totally worth it. I hope that I get to work with these guys for the rest of forever. I’d be happy being a part of their work for all of my life.

Thanks for giving me a family again guys. Without ya’ll I’m an orphan, but someday we’ll be together again. Right?

FINALE VIDEO
VIDEO: THE REPRISE

How Do You Know?

Today in sacrament, I asked the Lord “how do you know?” and then I laughed.

But then—I began to wonder—how does He know? I know that He knows, but I’m curious. What link or spirit, or power allows or grants that kind of foresight?

God has all power, but where does it come from? How are we all linked in such a way that He feels or knows when a sparrow has fallen? I can’t help but wonder because I hope to one day have this same power if I live my life in such a way to be worthy. It is something to think about, to be curious of, but not to lose any sleep or my testimony over. I know the gospel is true. I know that the Lord loves and guides me. I may make mistakes, but I can fix them and come home to Him and become like Him.

It makes me excited to die (not that I’d pursue that) because all these questions I am so curious about will be answered then. Eternity intrigues me, but to be prepared for it I must endure this life and create a Zion in myself. I’m excited for life, for it to end, and to see my Heavenly Father and Savior again—and thank them for everything—the atonement, the guidance, and for not answering my questions plainly or immediately. I have learned and grown, and will continue to do so so that I can be worthy of Godhood, and someday be a good Heavenly Being for the spirit children I will one day have the responsibility of loving and caring for.

A New Life

We’re out of cake. How could I be out of cake?! We just made it yesterday!

I bet Phil came over and ate it.

I’m having some Deep Love withdrawals—again.

I miss them. I miss him. But I get to see one of them next week during the Thanksgiving break. Thank goodness friends are near and Utah isn’t so far. I get to see Kayls too. Her family is being kind enough to let me join them for the holiday. Getting to Oregon would be a nightmare. This’ll be my first Thanksgiving away from home, and honestly, I don’t mind so much. I love the lot of em, and I miss my dog…but…meh. I always end up cleaning (deep cleaning) the whole of the house the day after I come home. I’m not looking forward to that for when I go back for Christmas. I couldn’t handle it then if I did it only a month before. I shouldn’t be a Cinderella when I go home. I’m not the weak orphan that needs a fairy with a bubble for a brain to fix my problems.

Life has taught me that a girl has to save herself. There is no prince, there is no fairy. There is only me and the Lord, and he’s gonna help me, but he aint going to spoon feed me the answers no matter how much I wish he would.


(An excerpt from my version of my least favorite fairytale)

In my world—this land of fairytale—things are not as the story books tell. Those were the original girls, and they had it easier than most that followed them.

In the last ten years there have been fifty Rapunzels, a hundred Thumbelinas, and ninety-five Swan Princesses. Beauty and the Beast is the rarest of the stories to be lived. There are fewer girls with the kind heart the first Beauty possessed.

I know my fairytale and I dread it. Though fairytale lives are ample in our world, the happily ever after is not a chance all of us get.

I am a Cinderella, but my circumstances are drastically different. I have three stepsisters. Two granted are awful, but the third is not bad. Our kingdom has one prince and the chances I am his princess is slim. Why?

Because how they choose his bride is not traditional. Balls aren’t thrown for him. We may not have fairy god mothers, but we have magic, and the royal sorcerers use it to their advantage. The idea is they can locate whom the royalty in question will love the most and be loved by the most.

A nice idea, but I’m not interested in marrying a prince.


I’m not! For reals. I would rather have the poor farm boy who’ll sing me to sleep every night then some guy who’s trying too hard.

I’ve realized that the concepts of the gospel are true. I always knew they were true, but having had some new experiences, I feel them to be true. I know they are not only in my mind, but in my heart too. I didn’t know until I made this realization that my heart had a brain, or will power of its own. What it thinks and what my brains thinks don’t always coincide. I’ve never had that happen before. It’s not that either of them is wrong. It just makes some things hard.

I know there’s a reason I’m not married now. For one thing (though I swore I never would be) I’ve learned that I would be that girl who’d forget academics for a man, and I would do horrible in school. And I’d also be too concerned with my family. I’d never get anything academic done. How do I know this? Well partially because there was a baby in the piano lab tonight. I wanted nothing more than to steal that baby and run. I’ve never had such a strong desire to have a family. I’ve always wanted other things, things I considered to be bigger. But now the desire has been getting stronger and stronger, and it’s getting more difficult to ignore. I now know that I would put all of my other dreams on the back burner for a family, so long as it could be eternal, maybe not immediately, but soon.

My life…I’m ready for it to start.

Stupid Feelings

Falling in love isn’t an experience I wanted. I didn’t ask for it, and I didn’t seek it out. In fact, I have been particularly diligent in protecting myself from such foolish feelings. Why should I want to seek after something that seems so conditional? If I want your love I have to let you use me for your toy? Sorry, that doesn’t fly with me. I’m a daughter of God, not an object to be toyed with.

So how did this happen?

How did I fall for a man I met briefly, once, and knew little of?

I thought I had gotten rid of these feelings. I hadn’t seen him for months after all. And then I felt him walk past me when I came back to school. I had to turn my head to be sure that I was right. How did all of those feelings swarm back into my heart when I thought I’d closed them off like a gate to hell?

It was as if the stone wall, backed up by a retaining wall, and then backed up again by a gate of steel and iron bars, topped off with guns of glory (meant to protect my heart) was ripped apart by one blow—a surprised look, a quiet smile, and sparkling eyes. Where was the crack in my defenses that let you in?

He doesn’t know. Why should I make myself vulnerable when he was due to leave in weeks? I’m sure I’m not what he’s looking for any way. He left this morning. I knew it was coming. I cried before he’d even gone. He’ll never know too. I pretended everything was alright that very night when we fought with small glow sticks for light sabers. He cut off my hands, and did the worm in his camo sleeping bag. He gets cranky when he’s tired.

It’s probably not healthy, but I have access to his music—a lot of it. I’ve been listening to it all day. Sad isn’t it. But it keeps him close, even if he doesn’t want to be, even if he will never know he’s the first, and only guy I’ve ever fallen for.

I asked a friend to bring him back. It was in jest, but a true desire of my heart. The thing is that this particular friend would have done it. He would have kidnapped the man that un-wittingly held my heart, and brought him back to me. But my need for his happiness, exceeds my need to be held by him.

So goodbye, take care of yourself. If I could give you what you wanted, I'd kneel at your feet and give it to you. Even if it was someone that isn't me.