Human

I’ve almost fallen so many times recently. Lucky for me I have a strong will, but in those moments of weakness I am both frustrated and glad that it is there. I feel like a mouse, clinging to an old rotting log lost at sea. I know where I want to go, and where I want to be. The problem is is that each thing I want seems to be on a different shore. I have a vague idea how to get to each one save some. The hard part now is trying to decide which I want most. I’m slowly paddling toward one. The one that will take me far away from the things that trouble me. But those things that trouble me, though their physical form will remain on one beach, will follow me in my heart.

Why? Why can’t I just forget. Why can’t I stay in a realm of indifference toward those things I want but can’t have. Why can’t I stop wanting them? I was doing so well. I can’t even imagine what things in my subconscious brought this back. I hate my subconscious. I’d like to destroy it if I could.

It doesn’t matter though. In the end what will happen will happen, and I have no control over the outcome no matter how I beg or dream. The only thing I can do is fight for what I want, the wants that I can pursue.

Last night in rehearsal for Phedra I had one of those testimony building moments like I often do in a Hyrum production. The gospel is true, Greek gods suck. I trust my God. I know that what he does and the trials he allows me to face is not to destroy me, but to build me. He doesn’t use me as a game-piece to make other gods angry, or to amuse himself in an eternity of boredom.

Tonight Hyrum showed Hippo how he ought to interact/court Aricia (my character). After he showed him what he was allowed to do I laughed and declared “I’ve been violated this whole time”. Brant, who plays Theseus and is kind of like Obi-Wan Kenobi to Hyrum who is Qui-Gon-Jinn...nope Yoda. Definitely Yoda--made a comment that really stuck with me: “you’re a human being”...

THANK YOU!

He said something about being handled like an object. That’s how I’ve been feeling about the whole thing. I mean, I get that the whole touchyness is a modern way of courtship, but I don’t like it. I want to be respected and valued, not used to make someone else feel good about himself. Not that Hippo was doing that intentionally. It’s what he’s used to, and I get that. But...life is frustrating. Courtship is frustrating. I’ve not met very many guys who see me as a person versus a piece of flesh. I really appreciate the genuine guys that I do know who are that way.

Last night Hippo tried to kiss me. He genuinely thought that there should be a kiss in that spot. I swerved and avoided it. I wasn’t prepared for him to be my first kiss in that moment. And neither Hyrum nor script instructed such a move, so I didn’t feel bad avoiding it.

Anyway. That’s my ranting for the night. I don’t know how I’m going to get to bed. I have rehearsal in the morning, and my roommates have a bunch of friends over. It’s Friday night which means curfew isn’t till 1:00 am. And I don’t want to be a party pooper.

Frustrated much. Yeah...

I just wish they weren’t so loud.